


Invading Australia

by enomis57



Category: Torchwood
Genre: I HATE cane toads, M/M, This is just a really big load of silly, innuendos galore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-30 06:58:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12648486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enomis57/pseuds/enomis57
Summary: I was asked to write something using the prompts Ianto Jones, Myfanwy, golf practice and cane toads. Why? Because of a Twitter conversation that led to this….. Even if you have no idea about Torchwood, you might still learn something new about cane toads. Though I’m not sure why you’d want to. They are hideous.





	Invading Australia

“Okay, Ianto, what have we got?”  
  
“Strange infestation in northern Australia. Possibly alien. Looks like some kind of stealth takeover attempt.”  
  
“Northern Australia?”  
  
“Yes. Queensland to be precise.”  
  
“Why are we dealing with Queensland?”  
  
“They’ve had no real structure within their government for alien activity since our liaison died in that freak encounter at sea.”  
  
“It was only inevitable that it was one too many encounters with an alien for that man. Even I found his personality overwhelming, and that is saying a lot.”  
  
“Well, look at the alien population down there. It was to be expected that he would end up going a bit...insane.”  
  
“Why do aliens landing in Australia always feel the need to take the form of bizarre animals?”  
  
“The locals don’t seem to notice, so why change a method that works?”  
  
“It would just be nice to see aliens trying to make a bit of an effort.”  
  
“Because that is why they come to earth, sir, to impress you with their creativity.”  
  
“I’ve met some aliens who have been very happy to show me just how creative they can be.”  
  
“So you keep telling me.”  
  
“Hey, I have yet to hear you complain about the creative things aliens have shown me!”  
  
“Meanwhile, back at Torchwood,” Gwen finally interjected.  
  
Ianto glared at Jack for a few seconds before turning back to the computer screen behind him. He decided it was best to ignore the smug smile on Jack’s face if he had any chance of keeping this meeting on any sort of professional level.  
  
“The first sign of existence occurred back in the thirties when the species was said to have been introduced to Australia. It was thought that they were some kind of answer to the sugar cane beetle problem that the farmers were facing.”  
  
“Earth beetle or alien beetle?”  
  
“Earth as far as we can tell. This new threat has been expanding since they first arrived, and is now widely spread throughout Queensland. They’ve also made some headway into New South Wales and there have been reports of sightings in the Northern Territory.”  
  
“They’ve been taking over north Australia for the past forty years, and concern has only just arisen now?”  
  
“It appears that the locals have taken it upon themselves to help rid the country of these creatures by coming up with some very creative means.”  
  
“Finally, someone is showing some creativity! I love Australians. Remind me later to tell you about the Aussies I’ve met over the years.”  
  
“Why do ASIO need us?” Gwen once more interjected before Ianto could find out if looks really could kill, and just how long it would take for Jack to come back from a lethal one.  
  
“There has been some suspect communications intercepted by ASIO via satellites,” Ianto explained, sending a thankful smile in Gwen’s direction before continuing. “They haven’t been able to make any sense of the transmissions and they’ve sent them to us as a last resort. They think that maybe the earth bound creatures are contacting their home planet.”  
  
Ianto hit a button on the keyboard.  
  
“That is hideous!” Gwen stated, shuddering as the sound of the transmission in question filled the room.  
  
“Have we been able to run it through a translator yet?” Jack finally asked, cringing slightly as the guttural croaks continued.  
  
“I have it running now, but as this species has never come to our attention before, it may take some time.”  
  
“What is ASIO thinking?” Jack asked as Ianto hit another key to turn the croaking off.  
  
“They are concerned that this might be some sort of retaliation for the rather innovative means that have been used against this species. Some of which can only be described as violent.”  
  
“Innovative? As in bordering on the avant-garde?” Jack asked, grinning at Ianto in a way that was completely inappropriate for a team meeting. Ianto chose to ignore him, focusing his attention on the paperwork in front of him instead, vowing silently to have words with Martha Jones about what was and wasn’t to be shared with Captain Jack Harkness.  
  
“It seems,” he said, riffling through the paper and pulling out a couple of sheets and handing them to Jack and Gwen, “the people of Queensland were ready to start accepting them as part of their lives. They’ve named rugby league teams after them and have even adopted their name as a nickname for people born and bred in Queensland.”  
  
“They call themselves cane toads?” Gwen asked, frowning slightly.  
  
“So it would seem.”  
  
“Why would you want to give yourself a nickname after such a hideous creature?”  
  
“Don’t know. It appears that people from New South Wales have decided to be affectionately known as cockroaches.”  
  
“Now there is a species that has done well on this planet!”  
  
Gwen gave Jack a startled look.  
  
“You’re kidding?”  
  
“Nope.”  
  
“So,” Ianto said loudly, pulling their attention back to the matter at hand, “it would seem that Australians have some weird kinship with lesser species.”  
  
“You really have to remind me to tell you about this one Australian who...”  
  
“Which,” Ianto continued, shooting Jack a warning look as he ignored the Captain’s interruption, “is probably why so many alien species take on such strange forms in that part of the world.”  
  
“Makes sense,” Jack agreed, attempting to placate his partner. Despite what most people thought, Jack Harkness knew when he was overstepping the line, and was mature enough to know when to pull back. Most of the time. Well, occasionally. Usually when Ianto started getting stroppy. A stroppy Ianto was not a happy Ianto, and an unhappy Ianto tended to make for a very unhappy Captain. Jack knew where the line was; it usually just took him a while to figure out exactly what he was going to do with the line once he reached it.  
  
“It seems that the number of cane toads has exploded due to their strong desire to mate. Their over developed sex drive has been observed in their mating with rocks, clumps of dirt, human feet and even road kill,” Ianto said, keeping his eyes on his notes and refusing to meet Jack’s gaze, which he felt boring into the side of his head. “Cane toads are extremely hardy and have been observed hopping out of bush fires, climbing out of freshly tamped hot tar and hopping away after being impaled or run over.”  
  
“They really do need to rename this toad Captain Jack Harkness!”  
  
“What means of eradication have been used,” Gwen asked, flipping through the handout and trying to ignore Jack’s comment, more for her own sanity than for Ianto’s.  
  
“It seems that golf is high on the list of methods,” Ianto answered, as Jack shot dirty looks at both of them.  
  
“Golf?”  
  
“Yes, golf. Grab a stick, and see how high you can make your victim fly.”  
  
As Jack smirked at him, Ianto mentally went through his last statement, rolled his eyes, and saw Jack’s smirk grow slightly bigger. The man could turn almost anything into an innuendo.  
  
“That’s inhumane!”  
  
“They’re not human, Gwen,” Jack stated, his smirk disappearing as his gaze moved from Ianto to Gwen.  
  
“But still!”  
  
“You may want to stay away from some of the other means of eradication then,” Ianto cautioned her.  
  
“Speed bumps!” Jack read off the list, trying hard not to sound like he was enjoying the list too much.  
  
“Not so much speed bumps as seeing how many you can hit whilst driving home.”  
  
“Napalm?” Gwen asked, her eyes growing round in horror.  
  
“Ah, yes, it seems that there are cases where a napalm like substance is poured onto the creature and then it is set alight. The only real objective behind this seems to be to see how far a flaming toad will hop.”  
  
“Pushing explosive devices into it’s mouth and seeing how long it takes for it to explode,” Jack read. “I really do love Australians!”  
  
“The RSPCA has discovered,” Ianto continued, once again ignoring Jack, “that the most humane way to kill a toad is refrigeration. People are instructed to don some gloves, catch the toad, put it in a plastic bag or container, seal it up, and then refrigerate for 12 hours. The toad will then go to sleep. Once it is asleep, it is put into the freezer for about 24 hours and the toad will die painlessly. Huh,” Ianto paused, tapping his lip thoughtfully before turning to Jack, “I’ll have to remember that tip. If all else fails, I can always use refrigeration as a means to get rid of any unwanted pests.”  
  
Gwen tried to cover a snort by coughing, as Ianto smiled innocently at a clearly unamused Jack.  
  
“Who would want frozen toads clogging up their freezer? Is there any reason for why they need to be eradicated?” Gwen asked once her coughing fit had subsided.  
  
“They excrete a poison that is lethal to animals and humans.”  
  
“You can’t really blame them, can you?” Gwen muttered.  
  
“When they find themselves under attack, they will release a poison that will paralyse their attacker and in many cases kill them. There has allegedly been a significant impact on the local wildlife as well as domestic animals. There have even been human victims. The fear is that the species is starting to grow tired of their treatment and plan to fight back.”  
  
“So, apart from these rather creative means of disposal,” Jack said, taking the opportunity to wink at Ianto before continuing, “are there no other means to contain them?”  
  
“The Black Kite has learned how to successfully prey on the toads,” Ianto explained, bringing up a picture of a large black bird on the screen behind him. “It attacks their belly, avoiding the glands on the back of its head.”   
  
“So we need a flying bird squad to help keep them at bay,” Jack mused, “I wonder if we could teach Myfanwy how to attack them.”  
  
“We are not sending a pterodactyl to Australia, Jack.”  
  
“Because you’d miss her too much?”  
  
“Because how is she meant to take out millions of creatures on her own?”  
  
“You could find some more pterodactyls,” Jack suggested, his eyes sparkling with mischief. “I would be more than happy to go pterodactyl hunting with you again.”  
  
Ianto fought the urge to grin back at Jack, knowing it would only encourage Jack to grab hold of the line he had been teetering over all meeting and run with it. Very, very fast.  
  
“If ‘pterodactyl hunting’ is anything like ‘weevil hunting’,” Gwen said, air quoting as she looked reproachfully at the two men, “I think this discussion would be better left until later, don’t you? Preferably when I am no longer around to have to witness it.”  
  
“You’re just saying that because you’ve never been hunting with Ianto.”  
  
“You never let me go hunting with Ianto. For some mysterious reason you like to be the only one who does go hunting with Ianto.”  
  
“I might reconsider letting you go hunting with Ianto if you promise to let me join in.”  
  
“Meanwhile,” Ianto interrupted, “Ianto would really like a say in who he goes hunting with and who he doesn’t, thank you very much”.  
  
His sigh of exasperation was a little too loud and Gwen turned her gaze back to him. Her look was a little bit too contemplative for his liking as she ran her eyes up and down his body, blushing when she realised what she was doing.  
  
“If we can’t use Myfanwy, then I’m out of suggestions,” Jack said, trying his best to look apologetic and switching back into leader of Torchwood mode.  
  
“May I suggest, sir, that we wait until the translator has finished running and we can figure out what their plan is.”  
  
“You’re not just a pretty face are you?”  
  
“Jack,” the warning in the single word did not go missed by anyone. Ianto and Jack locked eyes, and a battle of wits commenced. Gwen fidgeted as she grew more and more uncomfortable, unsure of whether or not this was actually a battle of wits or some sort of unique Jack and Ianto foreplay.  
  
“I’ll go and check how that translation is going, shall I?” she said, jumping up from her seat and making the most of being able to get away from what had to be one of their least appropriate meetings, and hurrying out the door.  
  
“Hunting? Really?” Ianto asked, as the sound of Gwen’s footsteps began to fade.  
  
“You know you love it.”  
  
“There is a time and place, Jack. If you keep this up, it will be time to find those harassment forms again.”  
  
“Never signed off on the last lot.”  
  
“It is never too late.”  
  
“Maybe we could get some golf practice in first?”  
  
“What? Make it really worth my while?”  
  
“Oh, I’ll make it worth your while. I always do.”  
  
“That is not what I meant.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Why is it that you feel the need to turn everything into an innuendo?”  
  
“It is one of my many charms that you just can’t resist.”  
  
“Cane toads are really not at all sexy.”  
  
“No, they’re not. But at least I can make getting rid of them sexy.”  
  
Ianto smiled slightly as Jack rose from his seat and prowled around the table to where Ianto stood. Jack stopped in front of him and placed his hands lightly on Ianto’s hips.  
  
“So, I was thinking that maybe tonight we could look into some cane toad inspired eradication methods.”  
  
“I was quite interested in the refrigeration method myself,” Ianto said, smirking as Jack growled softly and tugged at his hips to pull him closer. Ianto tried to step back, but the grip on his hips and his proximity to the wall behind him impeded his attempts. He settled with fixing Jack with what he hoped was a disapproving look and placed restraining hands on Jack’s chest.  
  
“Let’s discuss this later, shall we?” he suggested, as the sound of Gwen’s comically loud and slow footsteps could be heard approaching the boardroom. This had become her usual mode of operation. A not so subtle attempt to announce her presence and her attempt to stop any shenanigans going on before she arrived on the scene. It was almost as if Gwen thought that he and Jack began tearing each other’s clothes off every time she turned her back.  
  
“Spoil sport,” Jack said, leaning in so that his words whispered invitingly against Ianto’s lips.  
  
“Well, someone has to be the grown up in this relationship,” Ianto retorted, refusing to give in to Jack’s silent challenge.  
  
“But,” he conceded, as Jack’s gazed dropped to his lips, “if you behave for the rest of the meeting, I will be more than happy to discuss your ideas on this topic once work is finished.”  
  
Jack grinned before dropping a quick kiss on Ianto’s lips and releasing his hold on his hips. He fell into the seat beside Ianto as Gwen finally entered the boardroom with far more noise than was necessary.  
  
“Translation finished then?” Ianto asked, his professional veneer once more falling into place, much to Jack’s amusement.  
  
“Yes,” Gwen said, her voice pitched slightly too loud. She cleared her throat and Jack raised his eyebrows in question.  
  
“It would appear,” she continued, “that the transmission is nothing but toad sounds.”  
  
The two men looked at her in confusion.  
  
“Pardon?” Ianto finally asked.  
  
“The translation programme does not seem to think that this is an alien broadcast, but that it is simply the natural sound of the toad. Just really, really loud. Possibly due to the large number of them now inhabiting the country, and the unusually wet weather they’ve been having lately.”  
  
“So there is no invasion planned?” Jack asked, his brow furrowing slightly.  
  
“It would appear not.”  
  
“And there is no sign of an attack on earth any time soon?” Ianto asked, looking completely baffled.  
  
“Not from these creatures, no.”  
  
“So it is just a bunch of ugly, loud, horny toads taking over Australia?”  
  
“So it would seem,” Gwen answered.  
  
A rather awkward silence fell over the trio as Gwen sat down and waited while Jack continued to stare at the table in contemplation and Ianto prodded unseeing at keys on the keyboard.  
  
“Huh,” Jack finally said.  
  
“So I guess,” Ianto said, waving vaguely in the direction of the paperwork scattered across the table.  
  
“I guess so,” Jack replied.  
  
“Okay then. Should I?” Ianto asked, avoiding meeting Jack’s eyes.  
  
“No, it’s okay, I’ll do it.”  
  
“Right. Thanks.”  
  
Gwen bemusedly watched the exchange. She never knew whether to be entertained or irritated when the two men fell into this shorthand talk. Even though she couldn’t help but feel a little bit excluded, she was always amused at this little show of coupliness.  
  
“Do you need me to chase anything up?” Gwen asked, rising to her feet and clutching the translation file to her chest.  
  
“No, thanks Gwen,” Jack answered, smiling at her before turning his gaze back to Ianto. The younger man was still tapping away at keys for no other apparent reason than to appear to be busy.  
  
“Right, then, I’ll just get back to,” she waved towards the door and then exited quickly out of it. Neither of the men appeared to take any notice of her as silence fell over the room again.  
  
“It’s good there is no invasion then,” Ianto finally said, still tapping away at keys.  
  
“Yes. I really do prefer a non-invasion than an invasion.”  
  
“Don’t we all.”  
  
“Yes. Nice work on the background research though.”  
  
“Thanks.”  
  
“And it wasn’t a total loss.”  
  
“No?” Ianto asked, finally looking up from the keyboard.  
  
“We’ve suddenly got a free evening ahead of us. I’ll just make the call to ASIO, and then I want you in my office so we can continue that discussion on how we might possibly be able to put these new methods of eradication to good use.”  
  
“Purely for scientific purposes, of course sir.”  
  
“Yes, all in the name of science. And possibly hunting.”  
  
“Right then.”  
  
“My office, twenty minutes?”  
  
“Yep.”  
  
Jack winked before moving to leave the room.  
  
“Jack.”  
  
“Yes, Ianto.”  
  
“Play nicely with the other kids. I don’t want to add ASIO to the list of agencies I need to placate every time they call.”  
  
“Oh, I’ll be nice. We might need more ideas for further research in the future.”  
  
Jack took the opportunity to slap Ianto lightly on the bottom as he moved past him to exit the room.  
  
“Twenty minutes, Mr Jones,” he called over his shoulder.  
  
“I’ll bring the harassment forms with me, sir,” Ianto shot back and smiled at the sound of Jack’s laughter as he disappeared through the door and back to the upper levels of the hub.  
  
Despite all the work that he had put into the research, he was really quite happy that instead of an evening figuring out the best way to handle an alien invasion in Australia, he could now look forward to an evening of figuring out how best to handle one Captain Jack Harkness.


End file.
